i realize it has been a hot minute since my last entry.    lots have happened since.  life happens.

i dont want to summerize all that has happened.  i will however give the short version of what is occuring currently.

i moved again to a new house. i officially reside there as of today. i have a boyfriend that makes me so very happy. my only regret is the amount of time i dont get to see him.  i have new hair. i just came out of dreads into a shag.  tomorrow afternoon i will further mess with the color .   

there is a lot of potential in this.  why cant i be happy?    there is something crawling around in the back of my mind that isnt allowing me to be contented at all.   i will figure this out and i will win!

 i want to not be nausious
i want the transition to be over
i want to not be second best
i want not to be in contact with a woman that speaks to all like children 
i want not people to be dumb asses and stop poisoning themselves


i want me

 i sit sipping my pekoe orange tea.   i find it interesting that contrary to the usual mental processes that occur after being wakeful, i am very sharp and unhendered this morning.  having not slept since the very early morning hours from the night before, i expected groggyness and a faint vague pain in my head.  i begin to have realizations, the issues i have been milling over in my subconscience begin to relenquish answers.      

what would help me    catharsis
how will this work     faith in myself
why are things difficult       it has been no other way


i sit and look around my room.  i think about having to box everything up and relocate again.  the thought sturs feelings of bitterness,  anger,  and unease.  i have connected moving to my adventure to savannah.   though i would do it over again, i have grown distrustful.  things are different now.  my dependance on others is minimum.   still, i feel i am too dependent.  i feel inefficient.   things i will correct.

i think to myself, i dont need all these things. i should leave them or give them away.    i then have a moment of placidity and out of my center a remark, they are parts of you. each object is a physical representation of a facet of you.  you need them, so you do not forget who you are.  they remind you of the beginning of your struggle.  they are mile stones in your life. they are representations of love others gave to you.  through these objects you are never alone, you are loved, you are aware of your progress.

the fear of forgetting is something i have pondered before. i wish i had a greater conviction to record more of my life.   i have trouble doing so effieciently or detailed enough for my own satisfaction.   i have a great memory actually.   i still fear losing myself.

One giant leape down, i passed my liscencing exam. im now a liscenced master cosmotologist.  I didnt want to be arrogant and assume i would pass, but i had little doubt.   Passing is the result of about two years waging war against a college of idiots. I had to overcome many things to finally get to take the test.   the trip and weekend of the test its self was another battle all its own.    i feel accomplished.     this opens up a world of new things for me. i now will have access to resources i always have wanted in order to learn more.   to say im excited is an understatement.      i

today is an odd day but a good day.   i went to work, which was remarkably slow, as usual on a sunday, i came home, played on the net, worked on my corset, and almost have my cyber-falls finished.

im expecting dooma soon.  its been years it seems.  she is the only one left.   

as i was surfing and catching up on what had been going on in the world since my exile months ago, i started to feel bad.   then a little angry and resentful.   they are out doing things and going places and buying cool new gadgets and toys to play with, living it up in the cities of the south.   what am i doing?     im back in the same place i was in high school.... or am i.

i began to think and realized something.   i am not in the same place and im not the same person i was.   i felt trapped then and didnt have a way out.     i had loads of friends and plenty of time.

now,  i have my own car, i can go where ever i want and when i want.   im connected, i have dsl and a saucy new 'puter.   im  days away from being liscensed which means if i choose to never go back to school i still have a career making really good money.  im losing weight and getting into really good shape.       

they may have the city and loads of friends and activities, but i have everything i own because i worked for it.   i worked for it.   i have suffered the worst job and survived, i have struggled with a college for 2 yrs to complete a  11 month course.   i have only recently connected myself to the net with technology that wasnt someone else's.     but i worked for it all.

40 hour work weeks and 40 hour school weeks, driving an hour one way to school then to work.  arriving home late in the night to get up again hours later to do it all over.   through this process i will never take a good job or situation for granted.  

i am seperate, i am in control, i am not worried, i have the power in my life.    things will only get better.

my friends are going away to awa this weekend, i wish i could go, but i know i will be able to next year.   actually after a few months with my liscense i wont have to miss another activity unless i choose too.    its great to get payed well and have versitile hours.  being able to have whatever color hair anf whatever i want peirced is magnificent also.

i love and miss my friends, even the ones that never contact me.  i know they are thinking about me, i can hear their thoughts.   there are those that wonder if they will see me again, there are those that think i have forgotten and there are those that think im upset.   
you are all right and wrong, i will never forget, i will see you again and i am upset but it will pass.    i still love you ,...but i cant love you.  i want to love you but you dont love yourself enough to allow others to love you.   i remember the plans we had made and still would love to do them.    i wish i could help you help yourself but i cant.   i wish there were a way to express my love for you but there isnt a way that would be exactly accurate, all communication falls short.    i dont love you like you love me, but if i were closer i would let you pretend.    


im still cold like i was, i think im just numb now.   im no longer invisible, i no longer exist.     im no longer baking pies.   i have evolved.

my skin is a film.

i have a broken outline. i really only have a few dotted points holding me together.


the less i am the colder it gets



i am trapped by kindness and the rape keeps happening.





















did i ever really exist

its amazing how absolutely transparent ive become. no surprise really though.



why hasnt he called me yet???



its frightful when the lotus-lizards come. they crawl about the walls , opening their lotus heads and spew filiments at you. i always freak out before the filiments get too close.

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 2.81

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:


0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

i have nightmares often,


but...




i
think



i may




start







likeing my
knightmares





*grin*

liveing in a world of ghosts. they are shells of the vibrant beings they once were. they had dreams, hopes, imagionations, .... .... .... souls. now they are shackled.


just when i feel im starting to be opaque, i am startalingly reminded of my transparent state. call me whisp-o-nothing.


i cant help, they wont let me
i cant hope, they wont show me
i cant sleep, dreams close on me
i cant run, my legs fold below me

seeing is beliebing, their eyes are shut
hearing is forseeing, their heads are paralized
dreaming is escape, their psyche is hollow
life is fleeting, they seem to crawl all the time

i cant help seeing, they wont let me shut my eyes
i cant hope for hearing, they wont show me their heads
i cant dream to escape, dreams break my hollow psyche
i cant run to save my life, my legs fold and they crawl closer

well its been a while so ill catch up:

moving has been pushed back till late spring-ish. i am reemployeed at walmart, havent actually started yet but have orientation tomorrow. will be getting a car soon, hopefully in the next few days. i am dating someone, and as the way of the world there are a hand full of people interested in me.

sara moved into her dorm today, she wont be back till friday. i missed her a lot over thanks-holidays and i was only gone maybe a little over a week. i am afraid to imagion what it will be like for several weeks at a time. we both have ljs and spaces and can im, so it wont be terrible, but it wont be the same.

dooma starts classes in january. she porbably wont be able to come as often on the weekends to the house.

i have acheived my silver/white hair. its getting long. its almost to my shoulders now. i cant wait till i dont have to dry it and iron it everytime i shower. im putting braids back in soon, so i wont have to spend so much time on my hair and can just pull it back for work.

i am going to have to wear retainers all the time. it wasnt too bad with just my labret before, than i had my first left side lip peircing. then i had to wear two which was a little more difficult, especially when eating. now i wil l have three in my lip and one in my nose. the nose peircing i fear will end up gauging down due to the retainer being one gauge smaller, not a big deal really. i really want my septum, that will be really easy to hide. i will get the staple put in after peircing and i can just flip it inside and it will be fine.

i feel disappointed but not defeated.

i look forward to see what working in langerie will be like.

the tears evaporate in my eyes before i ever cry them out, probly why my eyes are dry and red

*sonic scream* a mirror breaks, shards reflect rain outside. a bolt of lightning flays the sky intwain. a painting depicts a woman elegantly fleeing through corn. everything is in greys.

if i care, i will get glass in my feet

if i dont, the monster will find its way out of the closet

if i watch, i will find myself looking though eyeholes in a mask

if i try, there will be porcelain shards to keep the mirror peices company

the apple man comes to the baker with a proposition, "ill bring apples if you will help me make pies". the baker thought the idea was good. not only would he like pie but teaching some one else how to bake simple things would help them and would serve as a bonding experience.
the apple man returns with apples. the baker writes a very simple but special recipe for the pies and even lends the use of his ovens and his pans. to show how excited he is about the prospect of pie, he even cuts and simmers the apples to make the filling.

he waits for the apple man to return. hours pass, so he wraps the filling up and stores it away for later. a few days pass, nothing from the apple man.

the following after noon the apple man returns to see if there were any pies cool enough to enjoy. he is a little disapointed. for there were no pies. the baker felt guilty. that night the baker, instead of going home and resting, stays late into the night baking.
he felt a little over whelmed by all the filling and all the work that was needed to be done.
being very detemined, he sat to work, making three times as many pies at once than he typically would. in a weak moment of frustration the baker declairs,"i would rather die than see the dissapointment on the face of a friend, i must finish by first light!"

many more hours pass, the dawn of day is soon encroaching.

the baker heard a small knock at the door and a small wind whistled past.
he thinks to himself, 'who could that be? no one would be awake this late in the morning, it must be a travelour seeking shelter and saw my lights and heard my work.'

he opens the door to find a woman. there was something odd but stunning about her.
"can i help you?", the baker inquired sincerely.

"wishes and dreams fly forth before the hands of men and women like fireflies on a summer night. trivial they may be, wishes and dreams are as peas as loyalties and fullfillment of taskes to others are bolders."

'these were very wise words', the baker thought.

"indeed, i try very hard not to dissapoint others or myself. i find that some times the most rewarding things are tasks performed to aid others that arent noticed or made known at all.",answered the baker.

" indeed, and it is this pressure that you put upon your self that will forge a blade, a blade that represents your abuse by others, a blade of personal missgivings , a blade that will spill your blood.",said the pale woman.

this frightened the baker, he fell back from the door in shock.
unflinchingly the woman entered the bakery. before the bakers eyes the woman entered the portal of his profession. her imaged changed. her hair bacame silver, her face became strikingly white, and her kimonos faded to whites, greys, and ice blues.

"the dawn is breaking, and due to the inconsideration of others and the unreasonable pressure you put upon yourself, you will not be able to finish your task. so many pies uncomplete, so many sins of others you have toiled to correct, neglecting yourself. unappreciated and alone. late into the nights you have found yourself several times. i too have seen you. i have been watching and waiting, pittying and mourning your weakness."

the room filled with a thick fog and an icy wind. the baker closed his eyes to the world.


the village found him the following day. they wouldnt have noticed, but they missed their breads, and their sweets. the apple man missed his pies. they mourned at his interring, but in the back of their minds they were just disappointed that they would now have to bake for themselves.

its always alot of fun when your having an apple fight that someone throws pens, who arent even involved.
or when some one is park-coring they start jumping over things when they have no business doing it.

the crystal is cracked the orange is molded and why the hell do you care if the page numbers were erased!!!???

snow flakes are falling in my mind, but it doesnt help to put a coat on


je suis casse

ever have a really amazing dream? a dream so nice you think to yourself, wow i never want this to end, i want this to go on forever, while you were still dreaming? i usually have night terrors, so when ever i have a good dream its automatically a really really good dream.
the dream last night was just wonderful. i felt really well even after i woke up with the sun in my eyes.

i might elaborate if anyone askes. i'll just say it involves me and a really amazing encounter with a lead singer of a really good band.

i finished fatal frame 2. really good game

the house is clean, too bad it wasnt as theraputic as i had hoped. my troubles are still with me. soothing an iced slushy isnt easy.


all was blanketed in whites and subdued pale grey.

it began as a chill then an ache continued to a hurt, then a tingle, a phantom warmth for a fraction of a moment, then no feeling. the nerves were dead. damaged forever. its obvious, we must amputate.

all around me are familiar faces
worn out places
worn out faces

bright and early for their daily races
going nowhere
going nowhere

their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression
no expression

hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
no tomorrow
no tomorrow

and I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
THE DREAMS IN WHICH IM DYING
ARE THE BEST IVE EVER HAD
I find it hard to tell you
´cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It´s a very very
Mad world
Mad world
mad world
mad world

children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday
happy birthday

made to feel the way that every child should
sit and listen
sit and listen

went to school and I was very nervous
no one knew me
no one knew me

now the teacher tells me what´s my lesson
look right through me
look right through me

and I find it kind of funny
THE DREAMS IN WHICH IM DYING
ARE THE BEST IVE EVER HAD